I decided to open up my pains and challenges, not to get pity but it was part of my healing process. I cried every day, everywhere and to anything;I became so emotional and was shaken by everything i came across, everything seems impossible for me. i was looking for help but I really didn’t know from where it was going to come. But i was sure it was coming to save me and my kids.
The most difficult part of going through Depression and abuse is looking at your kids and wondering how you are going to help them stay safe, physically, mentally and emotionally. Everything and everywhere always looked small, too small you feel you are going to crush into tiny pieces of puzzles. You need to identify your problems so you can truly heal and live the best life you desire and deserve.
One day on my way to speak in an event for women going through domestic violence i knew it was time to wear my brave face, i am not going to cry to women waiting for me to come encourage them. Oh! It’s hard, but when you try to reach out giving when you have so little is an open door to a better you. I got to the event thinking i will be speaking to just a few women, to my greatest surprise it was a big crowd looking at me like “hey, where have you been. I knew I can’t stop now or go back, so I took the mic and started speaking to these wonderful women, some few men but mostly women.
My presence in that room was an amazing experience for me, it was an open door to reach inwardly and having been able to speak so confidently to women with so much challenges and their faces looking calm i knew it time to go back to me. Sometimes you have to come out, take the lead. Know that something big is about to happen, that is why your path seems harder. You have to pick up yourself and be ready to fight for you, fight for your lost hopes, fight for happiness and for peace.
I really never knew what was coming, but i knew absolutely i was doing the right thing changing my beliefs and limitations. I don’t want to feel small anymore, i want to be big , i don’t want to feel worthless about myself any more because my life matters . I decided to open up everything and it has to start with a word from my mouth. I am tired of repeating negative comments about myself, i knew I was good enough for me and my kids. Change that self criticism and bad energy that vibrates in your head, how do I do that.
I know! Yes ,i know. I stared in the best way i could ,baby steps. I have cried too many times in my life, i got to the woman looking at me in front of the mirror and I said to her; Mary you look too ugly when you cry. It was hard, i saw the red eyes, the nose and the way her mouth was opened, it was so ugly, this is not the woman I want to see, this is not the face that puts a smile on the faces of others Especially her kids, beautiful kids she has done so much for. I wanted that rebirth, into something very POWERFUL and POSITIVE. I knew I was still alive for a purpose, i was just a seed buried to the ground through, abuse, rejection and neglect, but it was about to grow into something amazingly different from unique.
I have never looked like my challenges, i don’t want to start looking like that now, i really don’t want people saying oh, what happened to you,? and not because they care,you are not an entertainer to the world . I went back to the mirror, this time not to cry , but my eyes are open wide to realease those bad energy, inhaling fresh breath. I saw everything in a different direction now, i knew there was beauty around me but i have to find it. I have been running, but to the wrong direction .
I don’t want to be ugly. I want to be beautiful, not just from the outside but deeply from the inside. Mary you are so ugly when you cry, i don’t want to be ugly anymore, i want to be beautiful without any makeup on. I want to live so people can feel the POSITIVE energy that comes out from just by being around me. My mentor Wuraola Ogunrotimi told me this! , you are raw, you have so much to live for and to give. I never understood her, but now I do.
People hide behind a masked face, this has nothing to with being fake it’s about showing so little. Fear of not being in control of their life, i myself came out of that place, i left behind anger and negativity so i can grow and be beautiful.
When you cry you are ugly. Step into a new chapter in your life, it’s not going to be easy but it is going to be worth it. Every battle will make you great. 🤗🧚♀️
Eghonghon Mary Ayemere.